Tejasvi Surya, BJP MP from Bangalore says Bangalore has become a ‘terror hub in the last few years,’ and requested Amit Shah (Home Minister of India) to set up a National Investigative Agency (NIA) division in the city. However, he didn’t articulate himself well, and forgot to submit a list of reasons on why Bangalore needs a NIA division. So, I thought I could help him. Keep reading to find out more!
During my time living in Bangalore, I have seen people walking around in ‘beards’ talking on mobile phones. Why would people have ‘beards’ and talk on mobile phones? They are communicating with their minders in Islamic State (IS) and Al Qaeda, obviously? NIA needs to look into this!
~I have seen women in Shivajinagar walking around in burqas without their male guardians. This terrorizes me. I mean this is a ‘Hindu Rashtra’! How can they live in this country if they don’t follow their own rules. This is why these people should go to Pakistan.
~ One day when I was walking near Brigade Road, I saw a young man with a ‘skull’ on his helmet and a ‘cross’ hanging from his neck. He looked like a 70’s Bollywood movie villain. This needs to be investigated.
~‘Transgenders’ begging at traffic lights! Don’t even get me started…can’t these people get a job. I mean our Prime Minister has been working so hard to create jobs for 6 years or more, how can these people not have jobs? Lazy bums, I suppose! # NIA investigate
~Also, in the past few weeks I have noticed children begging in the streets. These little twerps hand me a ‘notice’ saying that they need to pay the school fees. I mean why would you want me to pay your fees? I smell a conspiracy…maybe they are collecting money to fund IS! *Pats himself on his back for this thought and smirks* #NIA investigate
~ Traffic jams are everywhere in Bangalore! They are a conspiracy to slow down hardworking ‘Savarna’ men like me to get to the temple on time. Who would think of this? Obviously, IS! #NIA investigate
~Pollution and garbage everywhere! I mean sometimes the city is so polluted it looks like ‘Azkaban’ (Harry Potter, plug!). See, I have read a book! This can only be a plot by the ‘death eaters’ to run this city. We need to probe this immediately.
Also, garbage dumping is common in minority ghettos. It is a plot by these people to make it ‘smell bad’ so that other people don’t probe their nefarious activities. See my street in Jayanagar, it’s so calm and peaceful and smells so good…lavender anyone? All are welcome here!
~Felling trees! I love trees. Every day the tree cover in Bangalore is getting denser and denser. I mean, its not like my government has sold off land to real estate moguls or constructs flyovers or more metro lines, right? So, why is this happening? This needs to be investigated by the National Investigative Agency (NIA).
~Gigantic malls that are deserted scares me! The last weekend I went to ‘Orion’ mall just for ‘time-pass’. I couldn’t believe that it was so deserted it was like a grave yard. Scary, right? So, why aren’t people flocking to the malls? This needs to be looked into by the investigating agencies.
Side note: We have successfully waged a war on COVID-19 and defeated it, no? The media doesn’t cover it extensively and the Prime Minister doesn’t talk about it, so all should be well. To my fellow Bangaloreans…we are COVID 19, free! Yay! You are free to roam the malls and stimulate our economy. Buy Indian, though, so no Prada and Gucci!
~ Women in spaghetti tops and leggings! I mean how can we let this happen? Is this Indian culture? These women ‘terrorize’ an innocent man like me by wearing these ‘Western clothes.’ Where did they buy these clothes? How can they wear it? Who gave them permission to wear these clothes? All these things need to be thoroughly investigated! #NIA investigate
(Note: This is a work of satire, all of the above is ‘absolutely true’ if we are living in the ‘matrix.’ Are we?)